Many people say being a parent is the best – but hardest – job in the world. We don't get proper training for it, and there’s no definitive handbook.
Separation tends to bring new challenges to parenting, and there's certainly no A-to-Z guide for that, either.
But, with the right support, information and approach, most parents can find a way to build a secure base for their children after they go their separate ways. That's good for parents, and essential for children.
Separation doesn't have to be harmful for children in the long run if adults are sensitive to the children’s needs and the situation is managed well. What hurts children, and their subsequent development, the most – short and long term – is ongoing adult conflict that doesn't get recognised and sorted out.
Children can cope with conflict between parents, so long as:
- The conflict is not violent
- The conflict is not frequent
- Parents work at sorting it out
- They understand they are not to blame
- They are not caught in the middle of it
“High-conflict” behaviour
Parents in high conflict typically display these behaviours:
- Remain very angry
- Distrust each other
- Become verbally abusive
- Avoid each other unnecessarily
- Argue or interfere
- Go to court a lot
- Threaten, intimidate or try to control their former partner
- Are aggressive or violent
- Have trouble communicating about the children
- Criticise each other’s parenting
Research shows that conflict between parents that goes on and isn’t resolved is very hard on children and teenagers, and can affect the way they develop. They can:
- Lose their ability to trust
- Make poor attachments to their parents
- Don’t believe in themselves
- Get overwhelmed by their feelings
- Show their distress in bad behaviour
- Have trouble making and keeping friends
- Aren't confident
- Don't perform as well at school
- Have trouble making healthy adult relationships
Children from separated families are also over-represented when it comes to poor mental health. The separation, as such, doesn't cause this outcome; unresolved conflict does.
Conflict can take a big toll on parents, too, including:
- Worry and anger that goes on and on
- Depression
- Losing perspective: forgetting what's important
- Not feeling like a good parent
- Spending money for mediators, counsellors and lawyers
- Distressing and expensive legal processes
- Time lost from work
Sheltering kids from tension
So, what happens when a couple separates, but that doesn't stop the conflict? It's even more important to think about what children need in these situations. Children can be protected from adults' tensions when both parents:
- Keep the child out of the middle of their arguments
- Never expect the child to carry messages to the other parent
- Don't ask the child personal questions about the other parent
- Make arrangements that focus on the child
- Recognise their child may have different feelings from the ones they have
- Try to see things from the child’s perspective
- Give permission for the child to enjoy their other parent
Some parents become fixated on how much time they will each get with the children. It's much more important to work out what the child needs from each parent. What children need after their parents separate is exactly what they needed before: security, including:
- a secure base for exploring, growing and developing
- help to solve their problems
- encouragement to learn
- routines that help them feel in control
- firm and loving limits to be safely independent
- a trusted parent when they need to be dependent
- protection from trauma
Ages and stages
Babies need predictability, and a lot of time with parents who nurture them. They need parents who play with them, listen carefully to their efforts to communicate, and who keep their world safe.
Teenagers are acutely aware of conflict between their parents, but often do their best to hide their feelings and manage that tension.
For teenagers, day-to-day things really do matter. Research shows that the best parenting for teenagers after separation is done by keeping the daily stress in the teenager's life as low as possible.
This happens when:
- Mum and Dad are 'there' on a daily basis to listen and give support. That can be in person or by making sure that your teenager knows how to reach you by phone or email, and knows that you will make every effort to be available when they need you.
- Each house has a predictable daily routine and has consistent rules and expectations which are adhered to. Parents arrive home when they say they will, provide meals on time, and give a good structure to the teenager's day.
- Without intruding too much, parents need to share in their teenager's interests, know what they need to get on with their activities, know where they are, and how they are spending their time.
- Each parent remembers important days in their teenager's life, and takes part in them as best they can.
- Parents don't rely on the teenager to give messages to the other parent. This really stresses adolescents. Teenagers who feel caught between their parents are at the highest risk of problems going forward. Parents need to speak directly to each other whenever possible. Even an apparently harmless message can cause stress for the teenager.
- Step-parents have a good relationship with the teenager.
They aren't as likely to blame themselves for trouble between their parents as their younger siblings, but teenagers from high-conflict families often leave home earlier than their friends who live in low-conflict homes.
There are three major patterns of parenting after separation:
1. Cooperative parenting
About one third of parents look after their children co-operatively after separation. They talk to each other, plan and make decisions together about their children. They work out a living arrangement that works for everyone.
2. Two-track parenting
Another third of parents find it hard to co-operate, but agree to parent their children responsibly, in their own ways. These parents don't talk to each other much, but they do have ways of planning and making decisions so that the children aren't too stressed.
3. Conflicted parenting
The final third of parents end up in long-term conflict with each other. They can't find a way of parenting together, so they choose to stay locked in protracted and bitter conflict. For many, the conflict is very high, very long and very damaging for both them and for their children.
Key signs that parents are moving on from what is often an incredibly trying and testing time, include that they:
- Leave resentment and revenge behind
- Look at solutions
- Work through their emotions about being separated
- Aren't stuck in disbelief, rage, rejection or grief
- Find a safe outlet for their emotions
- Separate being a parent from being an ex-partner
- Focus equally on their own needs and their children's needs
- Get good advice and support from friends, relatives, and professionals
- Never use violence
After more than 30 years working with separated families, including advocating for youngsters of all ages in the wake of a split, if I had to sum up my learnings in a nutshell, they would boil down to:
- Keep your conflict away from your children
- Listen carefully to your children and how they feel about things
- Let them know you are trying to sort out differences
- Emphasise on a regular basis that it's not their fault
- Be positive about the other parent with the child (even when that isn't easy)
- Don't have the child play messenger between the parents
- Never encourage the children to take sides
Finally, one of the greatest headstarts you can give your children after separation is doing all you can to stay out of court. There can be exceptions to this advice, including if there is violence involved, or if you believe your children are going to be taken out of the country without your consent. In such cases, it’s critical that you seek urgent legal advice.
Don’t litigate in court, unless it is absolutely necessary or everything else has failed. Wherever possible, for the sake of your sons and daughters: please, try to mediate and negotiate, and focus squarely on what’s best for your children. Research tells us, their futures depend on it.